At Sea...

Ahoi! (Day First)

First 24 hours of me being officially a seaman have passed. And in this time I managed to put myself in a better situation then the rest of my mates. But before that, I have to tell you, that there is a huge seamen history in my family: my father is a captain, his brother is an officer, their father was one, my mothers father...well, it's huge... So whenever there is a captains son as a cadet on a ship, other seamen, they... (to put it nicely) are not very nice. Following my fathers advice not to tell anybody around if some asks about my „connections” I didn't say a single word. I went onboard with two other cadets I sadly share my cabin with. One of them is a complete idiot, the other one... he wants to be the first to do something, has no clue how to do it, even after being told how to, like zillion of times, eats only once a day (but Dude, are the portions HUGE), and while doing it he doesn't lift his hand with the fork but lowers his head to the level of the plate he's eating from (I guess it comes from low expiriance in eating – I ate at least 3 times more often and became a Master in it – I know, I have references). Well, an officer noticed me, my behavior, how I hold back and still keep up with the excpierienced seamen. He also noticed how I come dressed up for work. So he asks me, Is your Dad a Capt'n? No, I said. So I got all the extra points for my inteligence... ha, I know, right? :)

B.T.W., there is something very cool about working on a ferry. Next to the board staff there is also service staff...I guess you know where I am heading with that...
Everywhere, were there is bars, shops with perfume, casinos...well, there have to chicks, too. And they're HOT!

So, now, having some time off (it's 14:40 on the 16th Oct, and I didn't sleep in the last 40h) I will lay down in my CABIN (don't ever call it A ROOM, you moron)!
Phrase of the Day:

nobody will shoot with it – used by the senior sailors in conversation with the less expierienced once to state how the work has been taken to seriously (meaning: too exact, to much time consumption, etc)

Take care!!!




Aye, ya shore-rats-scumbags-of-the-turtle-bastards-ho!-ho! !!! (17th Oct)

Watch out, because sailor G. is about to drop some knowledge. About some of the sailor tradition, customs, or legends.

Since I started in a piratey way I will follow this lead... Once you've seen Pirates of Caraibean with all the fancy pirates wearing all this juweles and earings, you wonder how far did the fantasy of the costume designer go off books. Well, the juweles had some meaning. Most of the pirates' posession was spent on whores and rum, so they didn't have much left. What was left, was the juweles, used as a payment for their funeral when they passed drunk in a mud hole in some exotic port.

Staying in this part of the maritime myths, there is another one, very close to the pirates... It's the alcohol. There is a bunch of legendary stories of how drunk the sailors are, how much they are drinking. Of course is all bullshit, but alike any other legend or fairy tale, there is something true about it. So where is the genesis? Well, back in time, when there were sailing boats trying to explore the wide spaces of the endless oceans, the only drink on the boat was sweet water. Back then, transported in barrels, not in bottles like nowadays, it was going bad very quickly. The main cause of death on ships, next to sinking through the bad weather, fire on board, food poisoning, the attack of an enemy ship or the mythological monster named Kraken (or Krakkeen, depending on the country), was dehydration. Someone asks, how is it possible, to dehydrate when surrounded by plenty of water. Salty sea water, although may make you feel good for a couple of moments, but it makes you thirsty. So you keep on drinking it. And after about six hours, the water you drank, being cleaned in the kidneys, leaves a huge amount of salt in them and causes a deadly failure of those organs. So unless you get a kidney transplant you won't survive the next 12 hours. Back to the point. To make the water stay drinkable for a longer time, smart sailors as they are, got the idea, that alcohol doesn't follow the same reactions as water, and with high alcohol content, it doesn't go bad. They added rum to the sweet water. Before this alcohol, besides the officers on board, was strictly forbidden. Now it looks a bit different, but it's a different story, and I ran out of rum... Where did the rum go?

Sailors beard. I know I will make somebody happy with this story.
Well, as I said, the amount of sweet water was and is always limited on a ship. It doesn't look that ugly as it was now. But only the officers could wash up on the sailing ships in a bowl of fresh water, the rest of the crew could hardly ever count on that kind of luxury. And again, why not the sea water? And again – salt. When your skin dries out, you see white salt stains, then they start to burn your skin, and unless you wash it of (with what?), you will get a deadly infection. So they didn't shave, nor they washed themselves very often.

Some of you might have seen one of the greatest sailor movies ever made – Das Boot. There is a phrase used in the movie - „warm coy”. First things first, coy is this part the matrace is hanging on, the one, the sailor sleeps on. Well, although they were for example 40 crew, there were only 20 coys. Of course, as always, the priviliged officer rank had their own coys, the common seamen didn't. So when one of them finished his shift, he woke up the other guy for work, and jumped on the warm coy in his place, where the blakets have been warmed up for him already.
Phrase of the day:

commonly used on the ship I am at the moment, has been borrowed from Pulp Fiction – Fuckin' far away from OK. It's used in any possible context, as you see fit. But mostly it's about the woman on board. The saying says it's unluck to have a woman on board, it's a disaster to save one from water. Why is that so? Well, woman was always ehhh.... the human face of the evil, mostly in religious beliefs. It's not far away from the truth either. (Meaning: not OK)

I will write more tomorrow, so stay in touch!


Ahoi! (18th Oct)
Phrase of the Day:

angels pussy - used mostly after something has been cleaned, washed, painted, etc. by a sailor to state his happiness for how well he did. (Meaning: well done, great job, very clean indeed)

Tonight, starting at midnight, I will start my first bridge watch. I don't know what I will have to do, but it will take six hours, so I guess I will have something to write about later on.

Good Night!

PS. For the first time in days I set my foot onshore. It was ok. I guess I just feel better on a ship than offboard. I went shopping and I heard some news in polish TV. There is going to be a huge change of law in my country, that is very liberal when it comes to the ashes of the dead. Just a couple of weeks ago I spoke to my Ma about how I want my ashes to be burned and thrown in the sea after the cremation of my body. My Ma said that it is not allowed in Poland. I said, by then the law will change and this will be possible. Well, it changes, in a couple of days. I don't know, if I should read this sign in my favour really. I am not supersticious, but...using this opportunity – while my ashes will be thrown in the waters of the Baltic Sea, I want one particular song to be played in the background. Let it Be by Carol Woods and Timothy T. Mitchum. The one from Across the Universe movie. I listen to it right this very second, and for the thousend and first time I feel a horde of ants crawling down my neck and spreading all over my back. It has soul, the song I mean.



Good Morning! (20th Oct)

My first watch on the bridge started at midnight from the 18th to 19th Oct. As I was walking towards to bridge and passing the officers part of the deck I greet (as always) a person who was passing by. It just happend it was a chick, about 25 years old. I said the usual „How are you doin?”. She just smiled, said Hi and kept on walking. I did my duty, and followed the beauty with my eyes until she disapeared behind a corner. How surprised I was when she came to the bridge, and introduced herself as the third officer, the one I am holding the watch with (on a ship with 120 people crew you don't know who is who, it's just so many people, and when the officers are not eating in the officers mess, or wearing white shirts, you won't know). You can imagine how bad I felt; every officer should be „handled” with respect, not mentioning the captain. I apologized her. She just laught and said it's ok. I was locating the vessel on the map according to the GPS readings, changing course of the ship and the power of it's engines. It was cool, we talked a lot, I learned lots of new things, she, I hope, will still learn something from me. Imagine this: Guess who shagged the third officer tonight? Mhm, What-up! We did it on the radar...you know the drill.

I was introduced to the captain, but still I wouldn't recognize him (the lights on bridge are out at night, so the lights of other ships, lighthouses, or bouys can be seen from the distance of even 100 miles). And that's how the first 6 hours of me being on a watch as sailor have passed (I've been on a watch with my dad before). And on making tea for Asia (yeah, we are calling eachother by names). On the other hand, she has to be a bit wierd to be an officer. I mean, it's fuckin' far away from OK for a woman to to this kind of work on a ship.

Phrase of a Day:
You are either a complete fuck up, or a half-brained cloned ship. You doing this that way will bring you stempling letters in the post office, not make you a sailor. You're not only disabled with two left hands, you are the prisoner of your stupidity you fuck, 'cause it looks like they are tied up behind your back, too. (I was a witness to this scene, and the guy who fucked up so badly got smaller with every single word the bosman said. It was funny how almost 2 meter tall guy gets smaller then the less then 1,7m bosman.) Couldn't remember the exact word, I had to rephrase. (Meaning: Not this way, I already told you how. Why you are not listening? Don't do this again or else we will talk like men.)

Ooh Capt'n!My Capt'n! (21st Oct)
So here I am. Bridge, wheelhouse. It's 1:55 am, sitting in front of a radar, next to me this wonderful girl who has no clue what I think of her. I guess she thinks I am so polite and behave at my best because she is an officer and I would do a lot to be apprecated by people of a higher rank. What a bulshit. I am very certain she doesn't think of me the way I do. I know, I am just a job for her. We talked about movies and music, politics and football, our families and relationships. It's nice to know there is somebody out here I can have a proper converstaion about those things, and accidently it happens to be a person without a dick but a pair of well shaped boobs., that there is somebody who I am attracted to, but whom I won't sleep with. Yeah, it's rare, and kind of sad. I guess the sea treats me well, like I am on a sexuall detox. Being far away from home distracts you from all the daily problems. You focus on your job, the beauty and the endless power of the waters surrounding you. Having an affair, trying to star one, it could destroy all of it. I wouldn't want that to happen (it's a nice way to explain why I am not getting laid, right?) Did I tell you she is a redhead? A bit dark one, and fake, but hey!...You just know she likes it dirty...

When you are onboard your sex drive gets lost between all the work ( or is it because I didn't suit up?). You don't even want to train your hand, if you know what I mean. Of course you walk a girl with your eyes when she walks the deck. But you don't think of sex at all, well, barely...Ok, half as much as on soil, but still about thirty times a minute. Just kidding. And in the context of my officer in charge, she is a greast woman. Although, there is something sexy about a girl in a uniform, giving you orders to change ships course, or is it just me? I guess, the fact that after the 9/11 the safety restrictions have been tined up, and on a passanger ship there has to be a security officers, changes the whole fact relationship I have or could have with her. But I am not holding grudge towards Mr Andrew. He is a nice guy.
Back to Asia. She has a face like a doll. Her lips are huge, and I like them this way. I like it, when she falls asleep in front of a radar. Although it's dark, I observe her sleeping. Her eyes close for a minute or two, and every time she opens them I turn mine away, so she doesn't know I was watching her. She looks so sweet.
.


The nautical dictionary presents... (23rd Oct)

I reminded myself on a part of the movie I like very much. It is one of the first scenes, and the action takes place on a boat. 2 guys sitting on a bridge tell the third one to go the the aft of the boat. Well, he gets really chicky, because he cannot find an aft. He doesn't know what it is. So once he's been told he gets really angry about how everything gets so nautical on the sea. Of course, I am talking about the Leathel Weapon 4. And to be honest – it does get very nautical. Today I heard a sentence that none-ship person wouldn't understand. Out of 10 word in this sentence, 8 were nautical, the ninth was the verb „to be”, the other one,the tenth, used as a prefix - „fuck” or some variation – I don't recall.
Phrase of the Day:

The shot on the aft of the weather deck in the bow section has been fucked and the hull broke, because the wedge was falsly inserted and the cargo killed the longtudinal bulkhead..

You may laugh, but it actually makes sense. It didn't happen to me, but I've been told so, so I cannot vauch for the honesty of the story (but the essential – the words, in this order do make sense, and it's possible that what have been said to me really happend.



You may be wondering what I've been up to in the last couple of days...

Well, I became I flat structure conservator – I know, it does sound a bit serious at first. And it is kinda serious – I clean the deck, get rid of the old paint that shows the signs of rost, I conserve those, let's say – wounds of the ship, and then repaint it. Not to avoid the whole drama of expaining step by step what I am doing, I gave it a name – Flat Structure Conservator (FSC). And on a serious matter – without me, the rost would eat the steel, making holes in ships' hull, making it sinkable, which could be dangerous – for the crew and for the cargo. I am important.



The daily routine (24th Oct)

I will try to tell how my day as a flat structure conservator looks like. I wake up at 6:30 in the morning. At 7 I sit down in the beauro of the deck 3 with 3 senior seamen and one cadet. We drink lots of coffee and smoke a lot. We set up the start of work for 8, because is a bad habit to start when the clock isn't showing the round hour., but still we manage to start first at 8:10. Up till 10:00 we work very hard (preparation of the jobs we will do at 10:30, after the 30 minutes coffee break. This one is at least official. Around 12 o'clock we go for lunch, and start to work again at 13:15 until the job is done (15:00-15:30). Of course in between there are countless cigarette breaks. Then we're told to go to our cabins, to hide until 18:00, so the officers don't see us. Around 18:15 we all gather for dinner, then around 19:00 we go to manouvers (the part when the ship docks in the port, to throw the lines, so the dockers can tie us to the shore). Then, at around 20:00 we unload the cargo and upload the new one. On the ferries nobody calls it cars or trucks – on a ship it's always cargo, sometimes we call drunk passengers cargo as well. Around 23:00 we are finished and we go to manouvers again. And again, in between lots of cigarette breaks. So the normal day finishes. If you want to count the whole day consists of 7 hours of work. Which isn't bad at all. It's just that you don't work 7 hours straight, and you cannot use the pauses for sleep – that makes you tired. The fact, that it's loud, dirty and the ship moves with the waves also contributes to exsaustion.

It's 16:00, I won't work until 19:00, so I will try to watch a movie, makes myself tired and maybe sleep for an hour. Sail on!

Oh...the...

Phrase of the Day:
Third Officer(Asia): You really cleaned up the deck (floor). It shines like the mirror. I can see my reflection in it.
Senior Seaman (whispering in my ear): Such a shame she is not wearing a skirt.
Me laughing
Third Officer: What did you say?
Senior Seaman: Nothin' never mind.
Third Officer: Well, angels' pussy, guys, really...
Me: yes, we know :)



Some ground rules... (26th Oct)

I didn't write for two days, because I was laughing my ass off crawling and rolling on the deck like I didn't in a long time. The reason for that is this little list I saw printed on the wall in captains office.

Here we go...

Collect points for fucking snitching at work*

1 Point – accidently not planned fucking snitching 5 Points - „accidently” not planned fucking snitching 10 Points – normal fucking snitching in private with your superior without any witnesses 20 Points – anonymous fucking snitching on yourself, without being guilty – just the be in the topic of every conversation 30 Points – fucking snitching with witnesses 40 Points – fucking snitching on your self in private with your superior 50 Points – fucking snitching on your self with witnesses 60 Points – fucking snitching to your superior in presents of the person you snitch on without any witnesses 70 Points – fucking snitching to your superior in presents of the person you snitch on with other witnesses 80 Points – fucking snitching in presents of the person you snitch on, although he is not guilty 90 Points – fucking snitching in presents of the person you snitch on, although he is not guilty, but the fucking snitch is 100 Points – fucking snitching in presents of the person you snitch on, although he is not guilty, but the fucking snitch is in cooperation with the superior you snitch to and make him think he is guilty

Bonuses:

fucking snitching on your best friend – additional 10 points fucking snitching before the act happens – additional 20 points additional 25 points – when you drunk the day before with the guy you snitch on, his vodka, at his house


*collect 3 or more points and you are FIRED!!!

Great, isn't it???

I've just recieved some intel, telling that tonight I will start my last 3 watches on the bridge with Asia. Two of them are night watches...

In the morning we had a fire drill, then the abandon ship drill, and after that, Asia was giving us lecture about the hypothermia. Because she is the leader of the second fire squad, she still had her fire fighter suit on (does she get any sexier?). It happend that my and another cadet were in the first row, just a handshake away from her. Her fire proof shoes were covered in this heat resistant silver material. It looked like the shoes from the landing on the Moon or the Apollo 13 shoes. So I started to smile to myself. And I have the habit to look at people very intense when they talk to me. So when she looked at me during the lecture she saw my astronomical smile. She smiled back. For the rest of the lecture our eyes met many times, me still having this smile from ear to ear, and she kept on smiling back. I guess it is going to be weird when we will work the next 36 hours with eachother. We'll see.

Bimbos, their physics and Life Saving Course No 1

Hello! Hello!

Today I will tell you a story, a story that puts me in the position where I don't know wheter to laugh or cry. Because I don't cry, like ever, I guess I will laugh. So, before I get to the core of the story, first a little background...

My cousine, like most of this particular part of my family and like most of the women from this part of the family, is a hair dresser. She has a great talent, too. But not to work. It's picking the wrong guys. 11 years ago she got pregnant with a guy, who turned out to be the biggest car thief in the region. He got caught minutes after they married. Why? Because he decided to change his surname to hers, so the judge had to verify him. At least they let them finish the ceremony. So got busted for over 50 acts of grand theft auto, corruption, illigal trade, and the charge of an organized criminal group. Pretty much every single guy who did get close to her is behind the bars. She is sort of a mug magnet. So at the age of 30 she decided to get her high school graduation. As a favour for a new hair cut I offered her help with some of the school stuff. The problems started with changing partial fractions into decimal fractions. After 30 minutes of hard explanation of how to convert these, we had to convert kilometers into meters... Well, it didn't give me any pleasure while teaching her, but the fun I had afterwards – priceless. I know, by laughing my ass of behind her back I am looking like a dush, but...

A couple of days back she required my help again. I came over to her place, where next to her lovely daughter was an other girl, my cousines age. Smoking hot, awesome looking... and that was it. Apperantly, my sweet cousine wanted me to go out with her. They met at school, they are both hair dressers, so they found common interrests. Because both had a problem in math and physics she invited her along. For the whole hour I tried to focus on the subject, not her boobs, and they were AWESOME. Then she went to bathroom, me and my cousine went on the balcony to enjoy our cigarette. She asked me if I liked her friend. I said she is very pretty (I didn't want to tell her she wasn't that bright). Would you go out with her, she asked. Hell yeah! I said. She has a great figure, hasn't she? asked she. Yes, I said. After a longer pause she continued: Having that great body after two kids, how the hell does she manage it? That was the point when my jaw droped, I started to choke, and almost died throwing my self over the balcony. Later that evening, after the girl left (and she was horny!), I spoke to my beloved family member, telling her that the next time she wants to fix me up with somebody, she better be childless – it's kind of a deal breaker for me.

Well, guess who I jumped into when I walked the dog tonight? Yes, the awesome-looking-horny-hair-dresser-bimbo-alike-mother-of-two-children-girl. And she asked if I could come for a dinner on the friday next week, because her mother will take the kids for the whole weekend... I had an alibi, first time, a legit one. I will be on a ship...

As much as I'd like to shag her, never shag mothers, unless they are mothers of your children...no, wait...never shag mothers. You know why? Have you ever seen Jerry Maguire? You see how he ended up? And you think he was HAPPY??? C'mon, those were not tears of joy, ok. You complete me? It was the 90s', people were not as progressiv...

So, as for now, I board on the 15^th of October, on a cruise ship, between Poland and Sweden. I will stay there until the 29^th. Couple of days after I will board another ship, a container, crossing between Baltic and the Mediterrenean waters until the end of January 2010. For my studies I will have to run a Deck Diary. Probably will write two versions anyway. The one for the school and the one for you!

I will try to stay in touch with you as often as it's possible!

Take care!

PS. This posts pic is my invention:)

PS2.

Life Saving on Board ( Safety Course No1)

If anybody asks you, FDDD is the last step/way for saving your sorry asses from a sinking ship.


FDDD stands for Fucking Dry Drifting Door:)

IRON my SHIRT BITCH

Hi Guys!

So it happend, I am single again! What up! If you are curious about why I am single again I will answer you. Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken.

Well it's not entirly true (blink), but I had my reasons. Officially, I have my wierd sides and phobias (I know, what a bullshit, right?), and really... well, let's say I promised myself to
boycott every single person who doesn't know what the word boycott means. No, really, true story. I know, and the "boycott" thing happend already two weeks ago, but I didn't want to be
judgemental, wanted to give her a fair start, second chance sort of thing. And I did. Lucky me, because if I didn't, well I'd miss a party...and bimbos...and...well, it was one hell of night. After that I had to tell her how much I like her, how much I want to meet her, but not as her boyfriend, but as a friend. To my satisfaction, she didn't object. So we agreed on that. And mowed on. As Friends. Next week we are going to the same party,
with the same bimbos, and I am wearing a suit. It's gonna be de...wait for it, ...lightful. And it was a clean break up, just awesome. Something I needed in...(let's not focus on the date, I just needed a clean break up very badly).

And not to miss the point of the story. Did I ever mention my fetish? Well it's not that hardcore, it's womens hair. Red to be exact. I don't know why, but they turn me on, doesn't matter
how ugly or old the woman is as long as she has this awesome red hair. And there was this girl... she is 18 (perfect match according to The Bro Code), has long legs, she's tall, has a
beautilful smile, red hair and knows what's boycott mean. Because the girl I've been seeing up till now, she talks for hours, and if there was something smart that was coming out of her mouth
I guess I wouldn't mind, but that sort of uninterresting bullshit...well... You know when you can tell a woman to stop talking and either if she is stupid she will shut up, but a wise man
tells a wise woman that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed. And the girl I've met is a girl who seems wise, awfully sexy, and knows what to tell, when and how. She is
somebody I can meet up in the city during the day without being ashamed of, or worring I might pop into a friend or a neighbour. You know, in a relationship you are looking for some kind of
support. I remember last week, it's been a rough day all day long. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I was
afraid to go to the bathroom. And there was no shoulder on the level of 1,75m beyond the ground I could lie on, come down and wash off. But there wasn't. And no, there was none below 1,75m either.

I've been invited to a wedding, my wonderful cousine decided to destroy some stupid boys life. The poor guy asked me to his best man, I proudly accepted, so he gave me the ring to hold on
to until the celebration and asked me for an advice. Apperantly, I said, you don't know me, nor my marriage politics if you are asking ME those questions. And he surprised me and said,
he asks me precisly because of my low-experiance and high-value-politics on that particular matter.
Still holding on to the little case he gave me I said:

"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering."

One of the Letterman Show episodes I've seen back in the FFM had something that reminds of something else, that reminds me of the blog...And I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you read is not what I meant. So step by step...
Step 1. The following statistic appeared in the Letterman Show:
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. Step 2. A propos statistics I read last week that statistic: a good essay is 10% inspiration, 15% perspiration, and 75% desperation Step 3. Having enough off all statistics, being a member of the most important group of our society ( currently unemployed) and enough free time, there is a statistic I've been working on for the last weeks: 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot!

Hope you had fun reading it! Bye!


PS
Put some damn comments so I know that somebody is reading it! It would help my self-esteem as I am going to the next( No 41) job interview in 2 days!!!

DejaVu

~~Neon shines through smoky eyes tonight

It’s 2 am - I’m drunk again it’s heavy on my mind~~

Bullshit! It's 4:15 am as I am writing. And the problem I carry in my heart at the moment is of a simple nature - that's right - chicks! High Five!

I heard today I am not able to commit. And yes, it was a chick who told me this. And that's the bullshit No 2. Because I am all about the commitment. If you disagree - prove me wrong. And maybe I have issues - and who doesn't. Let's go back in time so we can find the source of my worries...

Couple of days ago I was in a hospital. Don't panic!!! I was ok, unless until then... Because the ship I will be board on will go to The Third World countries like Burkina Fasso, I had to get some shots for malaria and stuff. So while I waited in line, like for hours I sat down, across this awesome looking girl in her mid 20s. You know, sweet face, blond hair, long legs, and big, Huuugeee ... lips. And a line to see a doctor in Poland is a totally different world. It's always packed, people are arguing with eachother who should go first, who is in more need to see the doctor and who has been waiting to see the doctor longer. So as soon as some guys wanted to proof to eachother who has more right to see the doc and almost started fighting, we ( meaning me and the girl) got into talking. First how stupid people get, how men need to compare the size of their testicals every single time there are women watching ( it's a metaphore and I've never done that). Then we talked about something else...music, movies, our dreams...it was nice, it felt like a first date. And it was a shared feeling. So we planned on going out some time soon. She gave me her number, I gave her mine, she got called to the doctors office and then she stood up, moving her bag from her lap that covered her belly... she was pregnant, like seven months pregnant (or she had some bad mexican - watch http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jtmjhH0EzZA )...I didn't call her, and yes, I am all about the commitment, but to my own kids. I know, it's hard...

So my morale kicks me in the nuts for not calling her, and I don't know what to do...

...or maybe my problems have different source...

Let's get back in time a little bit further...

The last time I wore a suit... 1st of August 2009... was that my mental funeral and the couse of all the unfortunate? I don't think so...

Because I would like to commit to the girl I see, but I have a huge problem since...

That's right...since that dumb-bitch-redhead-whore cheated on me with this wino-bum. Yeah, I guess that U-turn for me. I have trust issues. As soon, as there is the slightest possibility of myself getting hurt, I hurt, and leave. I think that's why I want to be a sailor so much. I won't get burned so much.

I miss you all guys. Even know, when I listen to Dave singing, I hear your voices singing along, screaming in my head. And I feel like in the old good times. Happy Days.

So I will try to put myself back together and commit to somebody I wish to love someday...

...or I will suit up again!!!


What-up!!!

D - Day + 44

Hi Everybody!

Polish bureaucracy is killing me, every single of my papers I need to get in order to get on board comes with a delay. So according to the officials, the last certificate will be handed to me on the 9th of October, which leaves us a LOT of time left for our last meeting before me leaving.

Here with I'd like to invite you all, my dear blog readers for a weekend at my mansion. I would be more then happy to have you over sometime between the 1st and the 5th of October. There will be lot of booze, good music and great fun, and most of all - I'll be there... (so even If you won't come, I will have a hell of a time).

So let me know, all interested, I will most certainly help organize your journey, your stay and anything else included in getting your sorry asses over here.

I should apologize you for not writing anything for such a long time. I was busy...yes, with a girl, yes with THE girl, and no, I DON'T love THE girl...

Someday I will recall the this, my dear friends, and listen carefully, because I am about to drop some knowledge...

Why do I like Bimbos???

1. They make me happy
2. They make me feel alive
3. They make me want to pretend to be a better man
4. They are confused
5. They have vacant, trusting stares
6. They have sluggish, unencumbered minds
7. They have daddy issues
8. They love me, or at least whoever I tell them “me” is
9. They are always there for me, you can always find one around
10. You can usually find one in a thin crust style
11. They make me feel even smarter than I normally do
12. They always have hydrogen peroxide in their cupboards, so if you get a cut, it’s safe to be with one of them
13. Their mouths usually hang open anyways
14. They always let you win at chess…or go fish…or chutes and ladders. And maybe the term isn’t “let you win…”
15. They aren’t HER

(To ALL FEMALE readers of my blog - don't ever say I am a sexist or I will sue, you Grinch!)

And probably after I will recall those 15 Articles I will, like any self respecting man (and I do mean MAN) brush off my suit, have it dry cleaned and pressed, then use its well-tailored charms to work my way back into the good graces of man many women everywhere.

So, until I am still on the land, I will not shit on my own yard, because my city is a small one, and I'd rather my reputation not to precede me. But when I will travel around the globe, hell, I will have the time of my life...

And seriously, I am happy, she makes my happy. I am aware of how featherish women are, but I feel well.

Hope to see you all very soon!!!

High Five!!!

The Ends... Into the WIld

The whole trip to The Ends started very good. We planned on making a stop over night in Cracov, after 10 hours drive on a highways (to stay on the highway we had to drive through Germany,otherwise we'd stuck somewhere in Poland for hours). We stayed in a, wait for it... Female student dorm!!! I know, is there a way for a holiday to have a better start then this? (don't try to answer this question, it is one of these you don't answer,so called rhetorical question).

So the very next day, after I lost a perfectly nice t-shirt saying "Save water drink beer" to my brother in rock-paper-scissors, we still had about 155 miles left (ca.250km). And it took us ONLY 6 hours. Well,polish roads have never been of a very good quality, they have never been better before, ever. And we arrived, with no adventures, but a lot yet to come.

The first day of our trip, we decided to take it slow and took a 18 miles (ca.29km) mountain pass taking 5 peaks. Only in 7 hours. I know, we are good. I am, at least.

The second day, after some of us ( as a reminder we went with the whole family - my mom, dad, my brother and me) woke up with a terrible pain in their legs and knees, because they are not jogging... well, no mercy. (how funny - for the first time in my life I could smile at somebodys physical misery without being in pain myself, so why the hell should I be soft on them). We decided to take another route, slower one. And after reaching one of the peaks, we saw something nice... trails of a big animal. We went of route and follwed the tracks for about 2 hours...and then, about 30 feet (9-10 meters) from us we saw the biggest mammal living on the european continent - the bison. It was great. We started to take some pictures, then we had to go... nobody wanted to piss of a 10 feet wide, 7 feet tall, and 2200 pounds wild animal. After we came back home, our family arrived to visit us. ( They live there for years now, and we haven't seen them in a long time, and some of the younger offspring we haven't really met yet.) So the rest of the trip was an alcoholic blackout...
Well, it was worth it. I mean, I can't remeber shit, so it had to be good, right?

Seriously now, I have there my family, cousins, I don't have here. Living there in the wild for a week made me different. Leaving The Ends was like leaving FFM. I will miss it so much. But, I will go there again. Next time, I will pack my tent, get my gear and walk into the wild...for weaks...

D-Day + 15/16

Hiya!

So, wednesday night I had my first date with the "jump-on-my-shoulder" chick. We planned on going to the park, having a chat, but...
... it turned out I know her, and no, I didn't nail her...yet. When I was about 8 or 9 I started to sing in a choir. This story is a longer one, that's why I will skip it, to get to the point. The point is, that one of my best mates from back then had this girlfriend...

I know

~Article 150~

No sex with your Bro's ex.

But then again...

Amendment VII
A Bro is intitled to have sex with his Bro's ex if enough time has passed.

There is this simple equasion for that...

Triple the time that your Bro has been together with the hot chick you want to date. It shouldn't be more then the time that has passed between theirs break up and yours first kiss.

According to this I am off the hook.

So...we met, we had lots of fun. We sat on a bench next to the football field and looked at falling stars for hours. Of course in between we were consuming some of the polish finest. And during our first two dates (yes, there was the SECOND date) I had to realize, I met a woman who can drink as much beer as I can... funny thing... After we decided to go home on our first date (it got very late and she had to work the next morning), and I said I would walk her home, we passed by my place and decided to take my sweet doggy out for a walk, too. Well, every girl who has seen my precious boxer Leo would tell you - if anything else didn't do the TRICK, the DOG will do the TRICK. So me and Leo, two fine gentlemen, we walked the lady home, and by taking the dog with me, I stretched out the date for another hour, at least. The night finished with a little chick kiss, the innocent good night joke. However, the next morning I get the MESSAGE from her, saying that her parents will be gone from Friday afternoon until Saturday evening, so we could meet at her place. We each drunk 4 pints, danced, told funny stories, then decided to call a cab to bring us another 4 each, then at 4 am we decided to take a walk to get another beers at a shop that was like one and a half mile away from her place. We got the next 3 beers, which in the end we didn't drink. We went to sleep, after a hell of a night, cuddling and spooning. And in the morning, when I walked her to work, she gave me this sweet little kiss...

Then I went to the football stadium and rediscovered what football is all about, participating in the 3rd round of polish first league. I rediscovered the patriorism, that was stuck in me, that I didn't feel for a long time.

And today is the day...
For the first time in history, Madonna will perform tonight in my country in front of...80 000 homosexualls and guys like my dad:). However there have been 20 000 more tickets on sales. Police just busted a group of men, who were manufacturing fake tickets and then selling them online:) Polish can...

Bye FFM

D-Day + 10

Hi guys!!!

Some of probably noticed, that in the last months I did put up some weight. Well, the last known number includes three digits... So, when I came back to Poland, and I didn't fit in the jeans I left home, bought just 4 months before, I decided to radically change my life style...

Because there is no good Irish Pub near by (next good I know in Berlin), the decision to limit my alcohol consumption was an easy one. I am in Poland for 9 days now, and I drank only 2 beers (0,5l not 2 full kegs).

I started excersising, jogging with the dog in the morning, push ups, crunches, weights in the afternoon, and jogging again in the evening with my brother. In between we go on the field to kick some balls (football:) or to the lake to swim for a couple of hours.

And food... and that hurts most...
I eat 5 times a day, small portions. I don't mind the fact, that fish had to be a great substitution for all the meat, and all the veggies are steamed, not fried on a pan, but the fact that the sweetest thing on my daily menu is a tomato (no salt!!!).

It hurts. I feel my calves with every single of my steps. When I bend, my back and my stomach are screaming for help.

But there are already 3 good sides to the story...

1. My stomach is flat.
2. I feel like I have this incredible amount of energy.
3. I got a date...

So I was running with my brother late evening three days back. As we ran the third part of the distance, we ran through this plaza in the center of the town. We saw two girls talking to eachother maybe fifty meters ahead of us. Suddenly one of them screams:

"Are you running direction X-street?"

"Yes", I said almost out of breath.

"Can I go with you?" she asked.

"Yeah, hop in" I answered.

She said her goodbyes to her friend, and she acctually did HOP IN.

She jumped on my shoulders, and I literally WALKED her home. I got her number, and I have a date on thuesday evening. I guess I am about to, ...wait for it...
... ride her home again :)

And a short story I heard the other day as an addition...

Once upon a time, there was this little sparrow, who while flying south for the winter froze solid and fell to the ground. And then to make matters worse the cow crapped on him, but the manure was all warm and it defrosted him. So there he is, he's warm and he's happy to be alive and he starts to sing. A hungry cat comes along and he clears off the manure and he looks at the little bird and then he eats him. And the moral of the story is this: everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy, and everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend, and if you’re warm and happy wherever you are you should just keep your big mouth shut.

From all of us here back in the deep east, have a good day. So good night Frankfurt, and may the road ahead be lit with dreams and tomorrows… which are lit with dreams also. Stand tall Frankfurt, trustworthy, recycling. Wear a condom....

still looking for the closing phrase...:)

D-Day + 5

Welcome!

Before I will get all sentimental, and tell you how much I miss you, I will try to come straight to the point.

Couple of days ago, I read an articel on the web, about a blogger from the US. On his blog he put articles of a gentlemen behaviour towards women. These 8 articles discribe how men should act around women (don't get me started on the whole Bro Code thing, ok, don't get to upset yet!).
I am aware of the 8 articles, my dad told me all about them when I was 3, and back then we still had communism in Poland.

Anyway, I know what communism is about... All red polish people wanted the same for everybody.
But my Dad knew, that back then, without these 8 articles, nobody could get laid. Because the uthopic idea didn't work that perfect in Poland, and there was no line, you could stand at for hours to get laid. My Dad wanted me to know the basics of how do I survive in Red Poland, where the sex line didn't exist (apperently they had them in Belarus - but I am just saying what I heard:) so I had to now the rules. But times have changed, we live in Europe, liberal land, united one, and of all a modern society. And I read this article about that blogger, who got SUED!!! For being... now wait for it.... sexist!!!

Now, we live at the edge, times when women take the mens role, is it home, or job. One could tell They grew the balls!
So I am asking myself, WTF?

Stay with me...
Ok, nowadays, we have 3 types of women.
Type No 1
Woman who prefer a Gentleman
Type No 2
Women who pretend to prefer a Gentleman, but they like it dirty
Type No 3
Women who prefer it the dirty way

Ok, now you wonder, but Type No 4? The one that pretends to prefer it the dirty way, but she'd rather... NO!NO!NO! (singular form on purpose and this happens only ONCE in a lifetime!!!:)

I recognize the difference. You don't believe I do? Listen to that:


I was on the way to Berlin to visit my dear friends. Waiting for my train at the railway station still in Poland, I overhear a conversation, this hot chick standing next to me has on her mobile, and it goes like this...

"And I got very upset, so I told my boss to let me work on that project, 'cause I was waiting for it, working my ass off, and he wouldn't appreciate it. But he says, no Mike will take that job. So I finally asked is it because I am a woman? Because if that is so, then I will sue him for being a sexist pig, if he wont let me on this project. So he said I can co-work on that with Mike. So that is cool, and Mike is hot..... Yeah I know, [my boss] is a prick."

The conversation stopped, and we got on a train. Because I had only one bag i jumped on the train faster then she did, got a place and sat down. And then she comes, with two huge bags, and they looked as they were full of bricks. I looked at her, struggling with her bags, smiled at her. Then she says:

"Would you help me, instead of staring at me?! I want to put those bags up, so they won't lie on the floor."

And I said:

"No, I cannot help you. I am fully supportive when it comes to equality, emancipation, and most I hate those slicky sexists. So I guess no."

True story...


Back to the story, I researched on this blogger situations, he looks pretty good, knowing all the crazy laws that the US of Whatever provides their fellow Americans with...
An example of few of them...

1. A woman caught adjusting her stockings in public in either Dennison,Texas or Bristol, Tennessee could get up to 12 months in the state penitentiary. (Definitly this law hasbeen forced by a woman! Because who else?)

2. Michigan state law says women have to get their spouses' permission to get their hair done because legally, their wives' hair belong to them. (Happend to me once, on the third date came down bold...nailed it:):):):)

3. In New Mexico, women are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public. ( No objections)

4. In Owensboro, Kentucky, buying a new hat without her husband trying it on first is illegal. (C'mon, only if Knicks, or Yankees, but only a baseball cap)

5. In Tremonton, Utah, it is illegal to have sex while riding in an ambulance. Fair enough, except for the part where, if caught, only the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper", while her partner won't be charged and will remain anonymous. (Awesome, right?!)

6. It is illegal for women to wear pants in the city of Tucson, Arizona. (Yeah, they shouldn't be wearing any...)

7. A special cleaning ordinance was issued in Pennsylvania that bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling. No word on whether this applies to househusbands as well.

8. Patent-leather shoes are a no-no for women in Cleveland, Ohio, for the reason that the shiny finish of the shoes could help a man catch a reflection of their more private parts, especially when they're wearing skirts. (Why? Why? Why??? BTW, google the 24 similarities between women and a fish:)

9. In Memphis, Tennessee, women can't drive a car unless "a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists." (If that is not a reason enough to let them drive?:)

10. Unless she is married, a woman is prohibited from parachuting on Sunday afternoons. (Whatever being married or just being a woman has anything to do with parachuting is beyond anyone.)

11. In Missouri, four women may not rent an apartment together. (bu..but...but..but WHY????)

12. A state law in Illinois dictates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts. (Well, there is reason for that, dear ladies)

Ok the last one, I don't approve...

13. An old (and hopefully repealed by now) law in Little Rock, Arkansas states that a man is legally allowed to beat his wife, but only when he uses a stick that is no more than three inches wide, and only once a month.

Now, you know, I don't approve because of MANY reasons...MANY:)

I guess that is all for tonight, hope you are not asleep yet!

Bye FFM


PS.
I thought my dog to High-Five me!!! Will try to get a video of it!!!

Check that one out!!!!

http://jpberube.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/sexism.jpg

D-Day + 3

For the last couple of days I've tried to get in to this whole "being-back-in-Poland-thing". I came back to a much bigger room, much bigger place, but there is no one I can share this space with...
I have nobody to call, not even a cousin, I could go for a beer with. If I'd like to renew my friendships here, I'd have to start with the female part of the city, where mostly the conversation will have to start with me apologizing for leaving Her behind heartbroken, because of the expedition to the Mount Everest, the special MI6 training I was selectivly chosen to participate in, or the Rescue Mission to Mars. Each one of the stories is a great one, and became a great movie as well(if not yet, the copyrights belong to me). I had to realize thou, how I left Frankfurt, in the same pattern, of sudden decision, leaving my friends behind. When I was sitting in my room yesterday, after I set up the TV, I wanted to watch a movie, but not alone. I automaticly went for my mobile, got throu my contact list...I stopped at the name of each one of you, thinking...what are they doing now?...
A & A are planning the great roadtrip, they were talking about for so long...Wish could be there to help them plan it...we'd sit in the pub with S, drinking NBA, having some laughs...
C is probably at work, late hours, as usual,hoping to get her bottle of red shiraz at home...damn it...I love those late nights...
E probably popped by the bar for a small Heini on the way home, to say hi, smoke couple of cigarettes, have a chit-chat,and take off in the same sudden and magical way she appeared...I will miss you a lot :(
J is probably still sick after the party on Friday night...old man he became...

And yesterday evening, it was around 8 pm, just before I wanted to go to sleep (sic!), my Mom knocks on the door, comes in and asks me if I would like to watch something. Yes, I say, so we sit down, and I ask her, would you like to see the favourite TV-Series of my friends, backin Frankfurt. Yes, she says. So I put it on. She watched the first to episodes, and I lost her a bit because the polish subtitles lost some of the original jokes, but she still loved it. After two epsiodes she says Awesome! stands aup and asks me if I would walk the dog with her. So stummbling through the city, we walk the dog. My Mom tells me the story of my little cousin, my Mom is a Godmother of. Her mom is a bit... what's the word...well her IQ is on the same level with...that is a hard one(thinking...), and her father is inprisoned, her stepdad got busted too. So this little girl is very unlucky, but she is the sweetest thing ever, and my Mom adores her. So we walk be her apartment, when my Mom tells me this story:

" So S was at our place couple of days ago ( my retarted cousine, mother of L, my Mom is L's Godmother), and she said how she got called to school. The teacher was very upset, because Lwas telling stories in the classroom, about how cool her aunt is, how wonderful her home is, the garden, and she has a dog that is so big, almost like a dragon, and it's very cuddly, and how she comes very often to her aunts place, and plays there, and watches movies and sleeps with her aunt in the bed...

But Mom, I say...

Mom turns to me, looks me in the eyes, What's up Son? asks me

Mom, I start to smile, What up Son?! Awesome, nailed her! Give me High Five!!!

My Mom smiled back at me, and High Five me back."

For your concideration, L is 8 :)

Watch the series, you will catch the flow...

And what is even funnier... my Mom became my WIngman. We went shopping today, some sort of constuction shop, like Hornbach or Obi. We come up to the cash register, this cute girl sitting there...let me tell you guys,it was Legen...wait for it......And that led to a couple of hours that I cannot, as a gentleman, divulge to you...

oh... And C (my bro) went on a date in a suit...he will totally get laid! :)

Hope you are all right!

Take care!

The Leaving Party

It was awesome!
All the great people, I've met in F, came by the bar to say their goodbyes to me. Gosh, there was even a live music on that occasion. Originally, me and my Bro, we planned to stay as long as the bar is openand take the train at 5:22 am, which did not happen, for many reasons. I guess we weren't quiet ready yet, so danced to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack for another two hours. And then it started.All the emotions, after over two years of living in that city, knowing all thede awesome people, it made me realize - I don't want to go! But I did...
Until the train arrived we were doing well, me at least. Then a fly flow straight into my eye, and I had to cry...so the others cried with me to keep me company. I wish to think these were the tears of joy, the ultimate cure for cancer, or is it just me overflowing with the Awesome???
Mine and my Brothers eyes kept on tearing till we passed our next big stop- Fulda. And because of the bloody pathfinders/scouts we didn't get on the train. so we stayed for another two hours there with my Bro, C. And then I noticed something, C didn't look good. And I don't mean it the wrong way, he is good looking, but...
The next train we took, well, it was so filled up, that all sitting, standing, and hanging places were taken...
No fresh air, no space, and a bad ass hangover... SO as our eyes before overflowing with the awesome, so C's stomach started to overflow, with everything, but Awesome. I just remember the eyec-contact I've made with this cute redhead chick, standing next to us, just before my Bro puked on her and her bagpack. It wasn't nice... Some other girls, because of the lack of air in the train felt pretty bad themselfs (wasn't nice at all). We got to Goettingen, somewhere at the one third of the distance. C couldn't stop overflowing,so I had to do something...We took the ICE...and C almost puked on a guy on a wheelchair and a smokin hot blond police officer... Glad she didn't bust us!!!
Then Berlin, after only 2 hours, got the next connection pretty fast, puked again (damn you good NBA! -said C repeatedly) ...
Good news - we got home 3 hours sooner then planned, everything arrived with us as planned, and C stopped puking...

I know, it would be so much better to tell you the story in person... but my awesome blog should simply suffie. I will try to keep you guys up to date with my knew legendary stories, so read my blog!!!

Bye FFM