The Ends... Into the WIld

The whole trip to The Ends started very good. We planned on making a stop over night in Cracov, after 10 hours drive on a highways (to stay on the highway we had to drive through Germany,otherwise we'd stuck somewhere in Poland for hours). We stayed in a, wait for it... Female student dorm!!! I know, is there a way for a holiday to have a better start then this? (don't try to answer this question, it is one of these you don't answer,so called rhetorical question).

So the very next day, after I lost a perfectly nice t-shirt saying "Save water drink beer" to my brother in rock-paper-scissors, we still had about 155 miles left (ca.250km). And it took us ONLY 6 hours. Well,polish roads have never been of a very good quality, they have never been better before, ever. And we arrived, with no adventures, but a lot yet to come.

The first day of our trip, we decided to take it slow and took a 18 miles (ca.29km) mountain pass taking 5 peaks. Only in 7 hours. I know, we are good. I am, at least.

The second day, after some of us ( as a reminder we went with the whole family - my mom, dad, my brother and me) woke up with a terrible pain in their legs and knees, because they are not jogging... well, no mercy. (how funny - for the first time in my life I could smile at somebodys physical misery without being in pain myself, so why the hell should I be soft on them). We decided to take another route, slower one. And after reaching one of the peaks, we saw something nice... trails of a big animal. We went of route and follwed the tracks for about 2 hours...and then, about 30 feet (9-10 meters) from us we saw the biggest mammal living on the european continent - the bison. It was great. We started to take some pictures, then we had to go... nobody wanted to piss of a 10 feet wide, 7 feet tall, and 2200 pounds wild animal. After we came back home, our family arrived to visit us. ( They live there for years now, and we haven't seen them in a long time, and some of the younger offspring we haven't really met yet.) So the rest of the trip was an alcoholic blackout...
Well, it was worth it. I mean, I can't remeber shit, so it had to be good, right?

Seriously now, I have there my family, cousins, I don't have here. Living there in the wild for a week made me different. Leaving The Ends was like leaving FFM. I will miss it so much. But, I will go there again. Next time, I will pack my tent, get my gear and walk into the wild...for weaks...

D-Day + 15/16

Hiya!

So, wednesday night I had my first date with the "jump-on-my-shoulder" chick. We planned on going to the park, having a chat, but...
... it turned out I know her, and no, I didn't nail her...yet. When I was about 8 or 9 I started to sing in a choir. This story is a longer one, that's why I will skip it, to get to the point. The point is, that one of my best mates from back then had this girlfriend...

I know

~Article 150~

No sex with your Bro's ex.

But then again...

Amendment VII
A Bro is intitled to have sex with his Bro's ex if enough time has passed.

There is this simple equasion for that...

Triple the time that your Bro has been together with the hot chick you want to date. It shouldn't be more then the time that has passed between theirs break up and yours first kiss.

According to this I am off the hook.

So...we met, we had lots of fun. We sat on a bench next to the football field and looked at falling stars for hours. Of course in between we were consuming some of the polish finest. And during our first two dates (yes, there was the SECOND date) I had to realize, I met a woman who can drink as much beer as I can... funny thing... After we decided to go home on our first date (it got very late and she had to work the next morning), and I said I would walk her home, we passed by my place and decided to take my sweet doggy out for a walk, too. Well, every girl who has seen my precious boxer Leo would tell you - if anything else didn't do the TRICK, the DOG will do the TRICK. So me and Leo, two fine gentlemen, we walked the lady home, and by taking the dog with me, I stretched out the date for another hour, at least. The night finished with a little chick kiss, the innocent good night joke. However, the next morning I get the MESSAGE from her, saying that her parents will be gone from Friday afternoon until Saturday evening, so we could meet at her place. We each drunk 4 pints, danced, told funny stories, then decided to call a cab to bring us another 4 each, then at 4 am we decided to take a walk to get another beers at a shop that was like one and a half mile away from her place. We got the next 3 beers, which in the end we didn't drink. We went to sleep, after a hell of a night, cuddling and spooning. And in the morning, when I walked her to work, she gave me this sweet little kiss...

Then I went to the football stadium and rediscovered what football is all about, participating in the 3rd round of polish first league. I rediscovered the patriorism, that was stuck in me, that I didn't feel for a long time.

And today is the day...
For the first time in history, Madonna will perform tonight in my country in front of...80 000 homosexualls and guys like my dad:). However there have been 20 000 more tickets on sales. Police just busted a group of men, who were manufacturing fake tickets and then selling them online:) Polish can...

Bye FFM

D-Day + 10

Hi guys!!!

Some of probably noticed, that in the last months I did put up some weight. Well, the last known number includes three digits... So, when I came back to Poland, and I didn't fit in the jeans I left home, bought just 4 months before, I decided to radically change my life style...

Because there is no good Irish Pub near by (next good I know in Berlin), the decision to limit my alcohol consumption was an easy one. I am in Poland for 9 days now, and I drank only 2 beers (0,5l not 2 full kegs).

I started excersising, jogging with the dog in the morning, push ups, crunches, weights in the afternoon, and jogging again in the evening with my brother. In between we go on the field to kick some balls (football:) or to the lake to swim for a couple of hours.

And food... and that hurts most...
I eat 5 times a day, small portions. I don't mind the fact, that fish had to be a great substitution for all the meat, and all the veggies are steamed, not fried on a pan, but the fact that the sweetest thing on my daily menu is a tomato (no salt!!!).

It hurts. I feel my calves with every single of my steps. When I bend, my back and my stomach are screaming for help.

But there are already 3 good sides to the story...

1. My stomach is flat.
2. I feel like I have this incredible amount of energy.
3. I got a date...

So I was running with my brother late evening three days back. As we ran the third part of the distance, we ran through this plaza in the center of the town. We saw two girls talking to eachother maybe fifty meters ahead of us. Suddenly one of them screams:

"Are you running direction X-street?"

"Yes", I said almost out of breath.

"Can I go with you?" she asked.

"Yeah, hop in" I answered.

She said her goodbyes to her friend, and she acctually did HOP IN.

She jumped on my shoulders, and I literally WALKED her home. I got her number, and I have a date on thuesday evening. I guess I am about to, ...wait for it...
... ride her home again :)

And a short story I heard the other day as an addition...

Once upon a time, there was this little sparrow, who while flying south for the winter froze solid and fell to the ground. And then to make matters worse the cow crapped on him, but the manure was all warm and it defrosted him. So there he is, he's warm and he's happy to be alive and he starts to sing. A hungry cat comes along and he clears off the manure and he looks at the little bird and then he eats him. And the moral of the story is this: everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy, and everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend, and if you’re warm and happy wherever you are you should just keep your big mouth shut.

From all of us here back in the deep east, have a good day. So good night Frankfurt, and may the road ahead be lit with dreams and tomorrows… which are lit with dreams also. Stand tall Frankfurt, trustworthy, recycling. Wear a condom....

still looking for the closing phrase...:)

D-Day + 5

Welcome!

Before I will get all sentimental, and tell you how much I miss you, I will try to come straight to the point.

Couple of days ago, I read an articel on the web, about a blogger from the US. On his blog he put articles of a gentlemen behaviour towards women. These 8 articles discribe how men should act around women (don't get me started on the whole Bro Code thing, ok, don't get to upset yet!).
I am aware of the 8 articles, my dad told me all about them when I was 3, and back then we still had communism in Poland.

Anyway, I know what communism is about... All red polish people wanted the same for everybody.
But my Dad knew, that back then, without these 8 articles, nobody could get laid. Because the uthopic idea didn't work that perfect in Poland, and there was no line, you could stand at for hours to get laid. My Dad wanted me to know the basics of how do I survive in Red Poland, where the sex line didn't exist (apperently they had them in Belarus - but I am just saying what I heard:) so I had to now the rules. But times have changed, we live in Europe, liberal land, united one, and of all a modern society. And I read this article about that blogger, who got SUED!!! For being... now wait for it.... sexist!!!

Now, we live at the edge, times when women take the mens role, is it home, or job. One could tell They grew the balls!
So I am asking myself, WTF?

Stay with me...
Ok, nowadays, we have 3 types of women.
Type No 1
Woman who prefer a Gentleman
Type No 2
Women who pretend to prefer a Gentleman, but they like it dirty
Type No 3
Women who prefer it the dirty way

Ok, now you wonder, but Type No 4? The one that pretends to prefer it the dirty way, but she'd rather... NO!NO!NO! (singular form on purpose and this happens only ONCE in a lifetime!!!:)

I recognize the difference. You don't believe I do? Listen to that:


I was on the way to Berlin to visit my dear friends. Waiting for my train at the railway station still in Poland, I overhear a conversation, this hot chick standing next to me has on her mobile, and it goes like this...

"And I got very upset, so I told my boss to let me work on that project, 'cause I was waiting for it, working my ass off, and he wouldn't appreciate it. But he says, no Mike will take that job. So I finally asked is it because I am a woman? Because if that is so, then I will sue him for being a sexist pig, if he wont let me on this project. So he said I can co-work on that with Mike. So that is cool, and Mike is hot..... Yeah I know, [my boss] is a prick."

The conversation stopped, and we got on a train. Because I had only one bag i jumped on the train faster then she did, got a place and sat down. And then she comes, with two huge bags, and they looked as they were full of bricks. I looked at her, struggling with her bags, smiled at her. Then she says:

"Would you help me, instead of staring at me?! I want to put those bags up, so they won't lie on the floor."

And I said:

"No, I cannot help you. I am fully supportive when it comes to equality, emancipation, and most I hate those slicky sexists. So I guess no."

True story...


Back to the story, I researched on this blogger situations, he looks pretty good, knowing all the crazy laws that the US of Whatever provides their fellow Americans with...
An example of few of them...

1. A woman caught adjusting her stockings in public in either Dennison,Texas or Bristol, Tennessee could get up to 12 months in the state penitentiary. (Definitly this law hasbeen forced by a woman! Because who else?)

2. Michigan state law says women have to get their spouses' permission to get their hair done because legally, their wives' hair belong to them. (Happend to me once, on the third date came down bold...nailed it:):):):)

3. In New Mexico, women are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public. ( No objections)

4. In Owensboro, Kentucky, buying a new hat without her husband trying it on first is illegal. (C'mon, only if Knicks, or Yankees, but only a baseball cap)

5. In Tremonton, Utah, it is illegal to have sex while riding in an ambulance. Fair enough, except for the part where, if caught, only the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper", while her partner won't be charged and will remain anonymous. (Awesome, right?!)

6. It is illegal for women to wear pants in the city of Tucson, Arizona. (Yeah, they shouldn't be wearing any...)

7. A special cleaning ordinance was issued in Pennsylvania that bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling. No word on whether this applies to househusbands as well.

8. Patent-leather shoes are a no-no for women in Cleveland, Ohio, for the reason that the shiny finish of the shoes could help a man catch a reflection of their more private parts, especially when they're wearing skirts. (Why? Why? Why??? BTW, google the 24 similarities between women and a fish:)

9. In Memphis, Tennessee, women can't drive a car unless "a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists." (If that is not a reason enough to let them drive?:)

10. Unless she is married, a woman is prohibited from parachuting on Sunday afternoons. (Whatever being married or just being a woman has anything to do with parachuting is beyond anyone.)

11. In Missouri, four women may not rent an apartment together. (bu..but...but..but WHY????)

12. A state law in Illinois dictates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts. (Well, there is reason for that, dear ladies)

Ok the last one, I don't approve...

13. An old (and hopefully repealed by now) law in Little Rock, Arkansas states that a man is legally allowed to beat his wife, but only when he uses a stick that is no more than three inches wide, and only once a month.

Now, you know, I don't approve because of MANY reasons...MANY:)

I guess that is all for tonight, hope you are not asleep yet!

Bye FFM


PS.
I thought my dog to High-Five me!!! Will try to get a video of it!!!

Check that one out!!!!

http://jpberube.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/sexism.jpg

D-Day + 3

For the last couple of days I've tried to get in to this whole "being-back-in-Poland-thing". I came back to a much bigger room, much bigger place, but there is no one I can share this space with...
I have nobody to call, not even a cousin, I could go for a beer with. If I'd like to renew my friendships here, I'd have to start with the female part of the city, where mostly the conversation will have to start with me apologizing for leaving Her behind heartbroken, because of the expedition to the Mount Everest, the special MI6 training I was selectivly chosen to participate in, or the Rescue Mission to Mars. Each one of the stories is a great one, and became a great movie as well(if not yet, the copyrights belong to me). I had to realize thou, how I left Frankfurt, in the same pattern, of sudden decision, leaving my friends behind. When I was sitting in my room yesterday, after I set up the TV, I wanted to watch a movie, but not alone. I automaticly went for my mobile, got throu my contact list...I stopped at the name of each one of you, thinking...what are they doing now?...
A & A are planning the great roadtrip, they were talking about for so long...Wish could be there to help them plan it...we'd sit in the pub with S, drinking NBA, having some laughs...
C is probably at work, late hours, as usual,hoping to get her bottle of red shiraz at home...damn it...I love those late nights...
E probably popped by the bar for a small Heini on the way home, to say hi, smoke couple of cigarettes, have a chit-chat,and take off in the same sudden and magical way she appeared...I will miss you a lot :(
J is probably still sick after the party on Friday night...old man he became...

And yesterday evening, it was around 8 pm, just before I wanted to go to sleep (sic!), my Mom knocks on the door, comes in and asks me if I would like to watch something. Yes, I say, so we sit down, and I ask her, would you like to see the favourite TV-Series of my friends, backin Frankfurt. Yes, she says. So I put it on. She watched the first to episodes, and I lost her a bit because the polish subtitles lost some of the original jokes, but she still loved it. After two epsiodes she says Awesome! stands aup and asks me if I would walk the dog with her. So stummbling through the city, we walk the dog. My Mom tells me the story of my little cousin, my Mom is a Godmother of. Her mom is a bit... what's the word...well her IQ is on the same level with...that is a hard one(thinking...), and her father is inprisoned, her stepdad got busted too. So this little girl is very unlucky, but she is the sweetest thing ever, and my Mom adores her. So we walk be her apartment, when my Mom tells me this story:

" So S was at our place couple of days ago ( my retarted cousine, mother of L, my Mom is L's Godmother), and she said how she got called to school. The teacher was very upset, because Lwas telling stories in the classroom, about how cool her aunt is, how wonderful her home is, the garden, and she has a dog that is so big, almost like a dragon, and it's very cuddly, and how she comes very often to her aunts place, and plays there, and watches movies and sleeps with her aunt in the bed...

But Mom, I say...

Mom turns to me, looks me in the eyes, What's up Son? asks me

Mom, I start to smile, What up Son?! Awesome, nailed her! Give me High Five!!!

My Mom smiled back at me, and High Five me back."

For your concideration, L is 8 :)

Watch the series, you will catch the flow...

And what is even funnier... my Mom became my WIngman. We went shopping today, some sort of constuction shop, like Hornbach or Obi. We come up to the cash register, this cute girl sitting there...let me tell you guys,it was Legen...wait for it......And that led to a couple of hours that I cannot, as a gentleman, divulge to you...

oh... And C (my bro) went on a date in a suit...he will totally get laid! :)

Hope you are all right!

Take care!

The Leaving Party

It was awesome!
All the great people, I've met in F, came by the bar to say their goodbyes to me. Gosh, there was even a live music on that occasion. Originally, me and my Bro, we planned to stay as long as the bar is openand take the train at 5:22 am, which did not happen, for many reasons. I guess we weren't quiet ready yet, so danced to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack for another two hours. And then it started.All the emotions, after over two years of living in that city, knowing all thede awesome people, it made me realize - I don't want to go! But I did...
Until the train arrived we were doing well, me at least. Then a fly flow straight into my eye, and I had to cry...so the others cried with me to keep me company. I wish to think these were the tears of joy, the ultimate cure for cancer, or is it just me overflowing with the Awesome???
Mine and my Brothers eyes kept on tearing till we passed our next big stop- Fulda. And because of the bloody pathfinders/scouts we didn't get on the train. so we stayed for another two hours there with my Bro, C. And then I noticed something, C didn't look good. And I don't mean it the wrong way, he is good looking, but...
The next train we took, well, it was so filled up, that all sitting, standing, and hanging places were taken...
No fresh air, no space, and a bad ass hangover... SO as our eyes before overflowing with the awesome, so C's stomach started to overflow, with everything, but Awesome. I just remember the eyec-contact I've made with this cute redhead chick, standing next to us, just before my Bro puked on her and her bagpack. It wasn't nice... Some other girls, because of the lack of air in the train felt pretty bad themselfs (wasn't nice at all). We got to Goettingen, somewhere at the one third of the distance. C couldn't stop overflowing,so I had to do something...We took the ICE...and C almost puked on a guy on a wheelchair and a smokin hot blond police officer... Glad she didn't bust us!!!
Then Berlin, after only 2 hours, got the next connection pretty fast, puked again (damn you good NBA! -said C repeatedly) ...
Good news - we got home 3 hours sooner then planned, everything arrived with us as planned, and C stopped puking...

I know, it would be so much better to tell you the story in person... but my awesome blog should simply suffie. I will try to keep you guys up to date with my knew legendary stories, so read my blog!!!

Bye FFM